AM I CONTINUOUSLY USING THIS GODDAMN BLOG BC I HAVE REVERTED BACK TO MY DEPRESSED HIGH SCHOOL SELF? YESS!!!
I started birth control because I need my periods to get easier and I want to avoid pregnancy. But I literally feel like killing myself everyday and I don’t have insurance so I can’t go to a doctor to get a new prescription. sos
I truly understand why people don’t come forward about sexual assault, rape, etc. when it seems like the obvious thing to do. I’m fine and nothing bad happened to me but I really thought no one would believe me and I waited days to bring up the possibility that I had not been just drunk, but instead had been drugged.
Honestly I’m still not sure if I’m making this up in my head or not but if it really is what happened, then it’s bugging the shit out of me. The worst part is that there’s no way to tell for sure what happened and I don’t want people knowing this story on false pretenses.
The night in a wrap:
My 2 friends and I were going out to celebrate graduation. I ate dinner and drank precisely 2 and ½ shots with Alex before he dropped me off with Scarlett and Jess. The line for the rooftop bar was packed. So the time span between the shots I took and simply getting into the bar was at least an hour and a half, if not 2. Then Scarlett bought us a round to celebrate. Alex and Joe met up with us. Joe bought us a round. Jess found other friends so we were back and forth between Jess and Alex’s group. I was only feeling tipsy. While going back and forth a man stopped us and bought us a round. Immediately after drinking that both Scarlett and I blacked out. I woke up to Alex telling me that he found us being helped home by a stranger and that I had been vomiting all night as soon as I had gotten home. I also had a completely bruised and swollen knee. It looked almost as if I couldn’t stand on my own and had fallen on my knees over and over again. I continued to vomit until 3pm the next day and then slept all day until Monday morning because I was so tired.
So naturally my first thought was that it was my fault, and I had drank way too much alcohol. Yet with the way I’ve handled drinks before, the time span, and the fact that Scarlett blacked out at the exact moment that I did just didn’t make sense. Especially since she has never thrown up from alcohol before and only blacked out once after fasting all day and then drinking heavily.
I still feel bad…like maybe I really did just drink a lot and it was the alcohol, and now I’m blaming someone for drugging me. But I have literally never felt that horrible in my entire life except for after 12 drinks and not eating dinner on my 21st birthday.
Am I crazy? Am I crying wolf? Or did that really happen? Because I feel like I can make my self believe anything.
This is probably how constance felt. I’m a bitch.
It’s been a year and I still find your hair lying around my apartment. I know it’s yours because no one else’s hair curls up into little perfect circles that size. It’s so recognizable.
Scarlett is the only person who ever understands what’s going on with me mentally
but i’ll keep pretending i’m fine to get through the days
Fuck man.
I tried so hard to keep my walls up, but it was impossible. I put up a real fight to keep part of myself locked away. I thought it would be years before I made myself this vulnerable to another person. It’s daunting, scary to feel fragile and attached. Yet it’s also relieving.
I didn’t do anything to deserve something this good.
And that’s how I know I won’t be the one to break any hearts this time. Nothing plays out the way you expect it to.
It’s well known that there are different types of love. But are certain types of love better than others or are they all equally traumatizing? If I had to categorize the types of love I’ve experienced, I would place them in 3 separate categories.
(I’m speaking solely of romantic types of love. Describing every single type of love I’ve experienced would be near to impossible.)
The Passionate Love was the first romantic love I had ever experienced. It was chaotic but good.
It was that flutter in your stomach when they spoke and the anxiety of never knowing when you’ll see them again. This love came with a bundle of traumatic experiences. High highs and low lows. Nothing can compare to it, but it’s not healthy. Not by a long shot. It creates emotions you never knew existed, both dreamlike and those from nightmares.
Honestly I’m not sure this even counts as love. But the feeling is within the same realms as love, so I am classifying it as such. There was a major shift early on in my first relationship and this is when I recognized The Manipulated Love replaced The Passionate Love.
It’s an unhappy love and it’s a parasitic love. You uncontrollably care and yearn for another person all while being conscious that everything is all wrong and you shouldn’t. It is almost as if they have a sort of spell over you or you have an unspoken obligation to them, simply because you are in love with them. Similar to Stockholm Syndrome I suppose. Just less dramatic and less noticeable. This love breaks you and ensures that you can’t recognize yourself. You’ll do things you’d never imagine to break the spell.
The Practical Love is a healthy one. It is based upon a foundation of genuine care for one another. It is a love in which you can be truly content. It lacks that deep passion and spark of The Passionate Love, but it also doesn’t come with the chaos and stress that The Passionate Love brings. This is the love that I imagine most people marry into because it is the only love I’ve experienced that is stable.
I wonder what else I will experience in my lifetime….or maybe there are only 3 types of love and I have experienced them all.
Or maybe this is all bullshit and I have no clue what I’m rambling about.
I have a lot of problems
When I get restless, I get itchy. When it starts to get bad, I get itchy all over. It’s not a physical itch, but it’s under the skin. It’s psychological, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there. I just need something different to keep my mind occupied and stimulate my brain. I have been at a standstill for about a month now. An empty restaurant, staying inside because the cold hurts, wasting away my days in bed, drinking. Getting rid of the itch doesn’t require a major life change. It could be as simple as a road trip, a new look, or even a new job. But if something doesn’t occupy my brain soon, that’s when I start to get reckless and unintentionally choose change that could end up being a mistake. I wish I didn’t have this urge or need to do something reckless. Mistakes are my drug of choice, but somehow I still have enough self control to be ok for now. Surprisingly.
I know you’re good for me. I know you treat me better than anyone ever has, but I think I’m addicted to hurting myself in any way possible.
I planned on ending this once this semester started, but now it’s finals week and you’re still around…even after I tried to push you away multiple times over the past 5 months.
I could probably love you but I won’t. So I’m sorry for saying I love you when I’m drunk. But it doesn’t count if I don’t remember it, right? I hope I’m not fucking with your head.
I warned you that I was a Gemini.
Anyway, thanks for showing me that there are people out there with good intentions and that someone will be there for me without making me feel guilty. Mostly, thanks for accepting me for how I am and not watering down any part of me. I grew up learning that judgment and criticism was how love, no matter what type, was displayed. I don’t think I would’ve known any better without this experience.
I have been so caught up in trying to remain your friend and staying positive about the time I’ve spent with you that I had forgotten why it was so easy to move on. I had always put you first and I still do as a friend. You had taken me for granted so often. Why the fuck would you ever put me second, honestly?
I’m not surprised with myself for lashing out and making the mistakes that i did. Of course I regret it and that does not excuse my actions, but I should have left you before it had ever gotten to that point. There were so many signs of a toxic relationship right from the start but I didn’t know any better. I don’t ever want to hear the words “I still love you” or “this hurts” out of your mouth ever again. It doesn’t make me feel anything. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care that you’re hurting. And it’s confusing that I feel nothing towards hearing that from you.
You don’t love me. You just realized what you lost now that I’m gone.
Also it’s nice to hear now that we aren’t in a relationship you’re fucking one of the girls you told me not to worry about. Ur trash.
The division symbol (÷) represents a fraction where the dots are replaced by numbers